by Lundberg - October 29, 2009 - - 2 Comments »
In honor of Halloween I present the Lundberg.Me Halloween Royal Rumble. This will follow standard Royal Rumble (the best idea in wrestling history) rules…30 participants entering the ring every two minutes via random drawing (my choice), except for instead of elimination coming via being thrown over the top rope, it will come via death. On to the action…
1. Jason Voorhies, 2. the dude from Scream
Scream guy attempts to call Jason and scare him. Jason stabs him through the chest. He dies. Jason does push ups while waiting for number three.
3. The Leprechaun
Jason cuts his head off. Jason does more push ups.
4. A Gremlin (movie version)
Jason pours water on it, feeds it after midnight and still kills it.
5. Freddy Krueger
Jason and Freddy have fought before. They decide to wait for the next competitor.
6. The Headless Horseman
He quickly becomes the Torso-less Horseman.
7. *Business Just Picked Up!* It’s the Undertaker
The Undertaker runs to the ring and chokeslams both Jason and Freddy.
8. Al Davis aka the Crypt Keeper
Undertaker kills him with the Tombstone Piledriver. The Raiders cover the spread Sunday.
9. Frankenstein
A four-way brawl ensues. Non-stop action for the first time. Frankenstein hits Freddy with a gorilla press slam.
10. Dracula
Dracula thinks better of entering the ring and instead joins the announcing team (Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler and Dracula). He mocks the bolts in Frankenstein’s neck, Jason’s hockey mask and Freddy’s sweater.
11. The Tape from the Ring
Someone brings it down to the ring (pun intended). No one watches it (Who would? Even if you think it is crap, you have to be retarded to watch it. And who has a VCR?) Frankenstein stomps on it.
12. Michael Myers
As the combatants get ready for his entrance, Jason stabs the Undertaker in the neck. He falls. He does not sit up.
13. The Grim Reaper
He enters and quietly stands in the corner while everyone battles. He stealthily exits the ring and hides underneath it.
14. Stay-Puft Marshmellow Man
He comes in and knocks everyone over. He stands there looking ridiculous.
15. Chucky
Chucky stabs away at Marshmellow’s feet. The rest of the guys get up and all gang up on Stay-Puft. Michael Myers delivers the “People’s Elbow” and Chucky, Freddy and Jason slice him to pieces while Frankenstein paces around with his arms held straight out.
16. The Wicked Witch of the West
She comes out bumping Tupac “Ambitionz of a Ridah” and flies around the ring on her broom while the everyone else continues the battle.
17. The Wicked Witch of the East
She comes out bumping Biggie’s “Who Shot Ya.” The song is apropos. Both witches are killed in a mysterious drive-by shooting.
18. The Boogey Man
Freddy kills him in the dream world.
19. Michael Jackson (zombie Thriller version)
He hits the ring to Thriller music. No one is quite sure what to do. Some begin dancing, including Frankenstein. Frank is promptly ripped limb from limb by Jason and Michael Myers. Dracula cries at the announce table (I imagine he and Frank are best pals).
20. Pinhead from Hellraiser
He mutilates Chucky with his chains. He does the same to Michael Jackson. This is it (pun intended again) for Michael. He can finally be at peace in Neverland.
21. Satan
He enters with Marilyn Manson at his side. Everybody in the ring bows before him. He sends Pinhead back to Hell.
22. Leatherface
Satan holds Jason while Leatherface saws him apart.
23. A Ghost
It floats into the ring and shouts boo. No one pays it any mind. It disappears.
24. Evil Clown
As it turns out, Michael Myers is deathly afraid of clowns. He cowers and Satan and Leatherface give him the same treatment they did Jason. Dracula enters the ring from the announce table and bites the clown. The clown is now under his control.
25. Jigsaw
He enters the ring and announces some complicated trap he has planned. He also announces 157 more sequels to “Saw”.
26. Joan Rivers
She mocks Jigsaw’s fashion sense. He questions his existence. Joan stabs him in the throat with a botox needle. Dracula bites Joan from behind. He now has vampire Joan and vampire clown as servants.
27. Creature from the Black Lagoon
Everyone looks at him like “Who the hell are you?” Satan and Leatherface perform their finishing move again. Satan then breaks Leatherface’s back across his knee.
28. Wolfman
He enters the ring ready to deal with vampires (experience). He stabs the vampire clown, vampire Joan and Dracula through the heart with a wooden stake. But not before Dracula bites him. He changes into a vampire werewolf under Dracula’s control.
29. Norman Bates
He paces around the ring whistling the “Psycho” theme.
30. A Mummy
The vampire-werewolf tears him apart and then walks outside the ring and does the same to Norman Bates.
Freddy Krueger, Dracula’s wolf and Satan remain in the ring. Freddy wants no part of a confrontation. He volunteers to return to Hell. Satan then offers Dracula a high ranking position in his cabinet. Dracula accepts. The Grim Reaper comes out from under the ring to collect the bodies and raise Satan’s hand.
The winner of the Halloween Royal Rumble is Satan aka Damien, aka Mephisto, aka Beelzebub, aka Lucifer, aka the Prince of Darkness, aka the Devil. This result seems eerily appropriate.
Tags: dracula, frankenstein, freddy, halloween, jason, michael jackson, zombies
possibly the greatest thing I have read in awhile hah thank you
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