Presidential Athletes

by - April 27, 2010 - - 1 Comment »


The New York Yankees visited the White House to celebrate their 27th title yesterday (at this point you’d think they’d have dibs on the couch). Seeing Derek Jeter and A-Rod standing near Barack Obama got me to thinking about which athletes would make the best and worst Presidents. I narrowed it down to my picks for the top five in each category…

THE BEST:

DEREK JETER–Jeter has never been involved in any controversy of any kind. He also has mastered the art of talking and not saying anything. Plus, the largest market in the country worships him, while most others respect him (if you don’t respect him, you are hating). He may actually be a bit boring for the role but you know we’d at least get a hot First Lady out of it.

COACH K–He has already led the USA…Team USA that is (I deserve to be drawn and quartered for typing that). The man who probably can’t even spell his own last name is recognized as the best college basketball coach in the world and he continues to mentor students at a prestigious university. The biggest drawback to his selection would be having to look at him all the time. He is not an attractive man.

SHANE BATTIER–I don’t mean to come off as a Duke lover (I went to Maryland) by picking one of Coach K’s former players but Battier’s credentials are impossible to ignore. Dude is extremely intelligent, thoughtful and well spoken (I don’t mean this in the racist way). He’s probably the one guy on this list who is actually qualified. If you’ve never read Michael Lewis’ piece on him, do yourself a favor and click here.

PEYTON MANNING–Distinguished, an experienced leader and a charismatic performer. In addition, he can audible out of bad plans or bills. I’d just be worried about how he’d handle the pressure.

LEBRON JAMES–He totally understands public speaking, how to manipulate the media and how to market himself. Also, like Peyton, he’s got a bunch of charisma. And did you think I’d make a list without including him?

THE WORST:

RON ARTEST–Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your President, Mr. Ron Artest…I’m not sure I can think of a scarier sentence. While I’d love to see a movie about him as the commander-in-chief, I wouldn’t want to see it in reality. Though, I’m curious as to what the first action of the man who once wrote a rap tribute to Michael Jackson that included lyrics like “I know you in heaven, I hope to see you next year” would be.

ALEX RODRIGUEZ–A-P.R. nightmare waiting to happen. This is a man who can’t get through one press conference without flubbing up, lying, or just making himself look like a fool. He is also a man who has pictures of himself as a Centaur in his room. Centaurs can’t be President.

TIGER WOODS–The whole world knows about his off the course transgressions. But like A-Rod, horrific public speaking would be his undoing. Tiger’s nerdy, robotic personality is not presidential. He is really good at golf though and old, white politicians love golf.

BILL BELICHICK–Belichick is a master strategist. I’m sure his planning would be on point. However, he is not exceptionally skilled in the art of dealing with people and his ruthless nature would undoubtedly result in scandal. He’s already had tapes destroyed. Spygate could easily become Watergate.

BEN ROETHLISBERGER–Ben Roethlisberger is a total douche.

There was a bunch of guys I had to leave off who would certainly provide entertainment value like Charles Barkley and Shaq (what would his nickname be?) and there were others who I thought would border the line between good and bad due to their penchant for saying what is on their minds (Phil Jackson, Rex Ryan). But I feel pretty solid about my selections considering I spent like five minutes thinking about it. Who’d I miss?

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One Response to “Presidential Athletes”

  1. Dan says:

    Roger Clemens, i still get a kick out of him speaking, every time he was outspoken about his steroids usage, he sounded stupider and stupider, oh and you left out coach ks vocal pattern when ever obama speaks he sounds like a real man and coach k is the opposite

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